I have never seen fireflies in real life before, but I've always wanted to. All those cute little creatures with softly glowing butts, whose only purpose in life is to be trapped in a jar and used for romantic mood lighting at a campground, rustic houseboat or even a redwood deck attached to a timeshare in South Lake Tahoe. Unfortunately, I don't think they make fireflies in California... at least not in any of the places I've been. So I decided to look up some images of fireflies on the inter-web. I was planning on Photoshopping them into a romantic tableau of Matt and I holding hands in the woods while surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves, each carrying a scorpion on it's back... until I saw THIS:
THESE are nature's glowsticks? Gross. Just disgusting. But it gets worse... apparently, fireflies have better things to do than jump into your jar and save you money on your next PG&E bill:
Look, they hump each other just like you and me! And, like my Junior High volleyball coach, the male firefly has a fondness for piggybacking the pubescent female just after she's hatched from her cocoon... and the result? (WARNING: don't scroll down if you just ate gherkin pickles, uni, bay shrimp or firefly larvae)
Oh god, I can feel the barf rising in my throat as I type this. This is a motherfucking firefly larva eating a slug. YES A SLUG. So not only is the spawn of those doggy-styling "Demons of the Dark" one of the most hideous, exoskeleton sporting, offensively segmented organisms I've ever laid eyes on, but it snacks on goddamned slugs. Slimy, blobby, booger-like slugs. Gee, Mother Nature, thanks... thanks a lot. A real swell gift you've given us, gonna put that right in the broom closet along with the swarm of mosquitos and the fresh dog poo you gave us last Christmas.
In conclusion, I have discontinued my naive desire to surround myself with a cloud of fireflies, and I highly suggest you do the same. I have also added the fireflies to my "Do Not Babysit For" list, right in between cobra snakes and Mr. G*.
*My Junior High volleyball coach
But that doesn't mean I don't want to go camping anymore! I just can't go anywhere to the East of Kansas, or to tropical Asia or Central and South America.
xoxo Jenni
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